


Herself

by philindas



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Coming Out, Family Feels, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 16:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12939621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philindas/pseuds/philindas
Summary: Alison McCord, a journey of self-discovery, and a family that loves her unconditionally. Alison McCord centered, McCord family fluff.





	Herself

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is very close to my heart. I am very firmly in the camp of "Alison McCord is a lesbian", and then there was a prompt in the tag for one of the McCord kids coming out, so this is half filling that prompt, half me desperately hoping for a gay McCord. This is a little different than anything I've written before, and I've never really written Alison before, so it was challenging, but I really enjoyed it. I drew a little from my own experience- though, unfortunately, when I came out to my parents, they were not as kind or loving as I've written this family to be. I truly hope you enjoy this fic- it's a little bit like peeking into my soul, that's how close this one is for me.

She had grown used to the comments over the years- “You just haven’t met the right boy”; “He’s out there somewhere!”; “When are you going to settle down with a nice young man?”. And in her teenaged years, Alison McCord had thought that was where her life path was headed- white picket fence, handsome husband, 2.5 kids and maybe a dog.

And it wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate that life- it had been the life she was raised in, her parents were going on almost 30 years of marriage and were just as in love as the day they’d gotten married. And she wanted a love like theirs- but the older she got, the more she realized that the future she wanted _was_ different.

She’d never even considered it until college. In high school, she’d dated a string of boys, content to keep up with her friends- fawning over the lead singers of boy bands and actors in movie franchises. But there had never been any sparks; no tingles in her toes during kisses, no blush on her cheeks when she remembered special moments later in the night.

It had felt routine, and boring- and ordinary.

But college had been different. Maybe it was the atmosphere; maybe it was being exposed to thousands of different people, away from home and her family and the friends she’d stayed in a tiny box for in high school. Her roommate sophomore year tells her she’s bi, and it’s the first real exposure Alison has to two women kissing regularly- and the first time she feels like she’s missing _out_ on something.

She keeps her observations to herself- doesn’t even confide in Stevie, despite the swirling questions bubbling inside her and knowing her older sister had had a bi-curious phase in college that had led to a handful of hookups and a label she didn’t use often but was still proud of.

And it’s not that she thinks her family will disown her, or anything like that- it’s just that she herself barely knows how to articulate how she feels, so she doesn’t want to throw this at them before she can coherently lay it out for them. She knows her family loves her- and will love her, no matter what. It’s been drilled into her head for as long as she can remember, and for that she’s at least grateful.

Alison McCord kisses a girl for the first time when she is 19, a little too much liquid courage in her system- but as soon as their lips touch, the music of the bar fades away, and it’s like something inside her shifts just enough that a soft _Oh_ resonates through her brain. So this is what she’d been missing. This is what it felt like, to _feel_ something when you kissed someone.

She never even catches the girl’s name- doesn’t remember much the next morning beyond dark brown eyes and red lipstick and burning hands at her waist- but it changes everything for her.

Quietly, her preferences on Facebook and dating profiles become private, and she breathes a small sigh of relief when no one asks her about them. She was still under scrutiny- her mother was in the final stretch of being Secretary of State with President Dalton, with half a term to go- and she didn’t want something like this to come to light through a media blitz.

She keeps her revelation to herself- Stevie announces her engagement to Blake after two years of dating, and all focus shifts to her older sister, taking the pressure from her shoulders. It doesn’t really seem to be the time to spring “Hey guys, so I’m pretty sure I’m gay!” on her family amidst wedding plans, so she just throws herself into being Stevie’s maid of honor and designing her wedding gown at her sister’s request.

In the background, she does date a few girls- only brief affairs, mostly with other fashion majors. They’re fun, and she enjoys herself, but none of them scream ‘long term commitment’, so the romance fizzles out after a few weeks. But it does cement one thing- Alison McCord likes girls, and only girls.

When she enters her senior year of college, she’s comfortable enough to label herself a lesbian in her head. It’s a label for herself more than anything else, since she doesn’t actively date and her family is still none the wiser- despite her hookup with Stevie’s former college roommate at her wedding, which had somehow slipped all their radars. But she’s happy, and comfortable, and tells herself it’s enough.

Until her mother announces she’s running for President, and Alison finds herself struggling to find the peace she’d had only weeks before.

And it’s not that she’s not proud of her mother, or that she doesn’t believe in her- or that she doesn’t want this to happen for her. But as the weeks pass and the campaign prep starts, Alison realizes just how much every single part of her life was going to be picked apart, and panic coats the inside of her chest.

She wouldn’t be Alison McCord if she didn’t push everything off until the last moment, so it isn’t until a few weekends before her mother is set to announce that she sits them down in her parent’s townhouse after dinner.

It’s been a long time since they’d all been together; Stevie and Blake had been busy learning to be parents to her _adorable_ niece, while Jason was back at UVA for another year, and she’d been throwing herself into her senior project, leaving her with less time to come home. It’s a nice, comfortable dinner, but she spends most of it picking at her food, her stomach a rolling mess as nerves eat away at her.

“Noodle? You okay?” Alison looks up at her mom’s voice, dredging up a smile to placate her as she nods.

“I’m fine, Mom. Just a long day,” she answers, and Stevie brushes some hair off her shoulder.

“How’s your project coming?” she asks, curious, and Alison shrugs.

“It’s coming along. I have a handful of ideas, but I haven’t fully decided what direction to take it yet,” she answers, and her sister smiles.

Everyone stands to clear their dishes, and Alison feels the group starting to disperse- and knows this is the moment. She takes a breath, pushing aside the queasiness, and opens her mouth.

“Hey, guys? I actually have something I want to talk to you about,” she starts, and curious faces look back at her. Alison wrings her hands, walking into the lounge and starting to pace, watching as her family filters in; her parents settle together in one corner, Jason beside them, and Stevie sinks onto the floor by his feet while Blake walks with Abigail behind the couch, keeping her asleep.

“What’s up?” Jason asks, and she swallows hard.

“So- this is something I’ve kind of figured out. I’ve known it for a while now, but I didn’t know how to- talk about it, or tell you,” she starts- it feels awkward on her tongue, trying to articulate herself properly. “And I didn’t- I _don’t_ want it to change things. I’m not different, I’m still…I’m still _me._ ”

Emotion clogs her throat, and what she’s trying to say dissolves a little as she clenches her fists, nails biting into her palms. She can see the concern etching itself into her mother’s face between her eyebrows, and in her father’s frown lines. She wanted this to be better, but- the words are stuck in her throat, wrapped around her heart after so long of hiding, and the barest trace of terror slips through her guard.

“Ali?” Stevie prompts her gently, and something in her sister’s gaze- something soft and warm and understanding- pushes her forward.

“I like girls,” she says in a single breath, as though if she doesn’t, she never will. The room goes silent, and all Alison can hear is her heart beating in her ears. “And I’m- I’m sorry, if that’s disappointing, or- or changes how you see me. But with the President thing I wanted you to hear it from me and not some tabloid and- and I want to be myself. All the time.”

Belatedly, Alison realizes she has tears trailing down her cheeks, and her next words are thick with emotion.

“I just want to be able to be myself,” she whispers, and moments later, Stevie is up and wrapping her arms around her, hugging her so tightly Alison can barely breathe. A soft little sob escapes her as Alison buries her face into Stevie’s shoulder, hugging her back just as tightly.

After only a handful of moments later, it’s a five person hug- Alison feels Jason pressing against her side, her dad at her back, and when she lifts her gaze from Stevie’s shoulder, she sees her mom looking at her. Blue eyes she’s looked at forever are damp with tears, and she lifts a hand to brush Alison’s tears away. The others step away just a little, giving the two of them some space, and her mother’s hands cup her cheeks gently.

“We love you, whoever you love,” she tells her, and when Elizabeth McCord’s voice breaks just the tiniest bit, Alison feels new tears slip down her cheeks. “Ali, baby- are you happy?”

Alison nods, head jerking a little in her eagerness. Her mother gives her a tremulous smile, stroking her cheeks and then brushing her hair back, tucking it behind her ears.

“That’s all I have ever cared about, honey. I will love and support you no matter _what_ , Alison, forever,” Elizabeth tells her, seriousness crossing her expression. “Nothing about the way I see you is different- you’re still you.”

Alison can feel her bottom lip trembling, and she hadn’t expected to _cry_ this much.

She practically throws herself at her mother, clinging to her as her arms wrap around her waist; Elizabeth presses a kiss to the side of her head, and Alison collects herself against her mother’s shoulder before she steps back, wiping at her eyes.

Jason’s embrace is unexpected, but Alison hugs him back tightly, chin nestled against his shoulder briefly.

“Bet I’ve still got better game than you,” he teases her, but his face is soft, and Alison shoves at him gently, rolling her eyes.

“Maybe in your dreams,” she replies, pulling a laugh from him, and something in her chest eases just a little bit more. Her father pulls her into a hug next, and the last of the tension in her body seems to leech away.

Henry McCord always seemed to have a way of relaxing those around him- whether it was his easy smile or gentle face or listening ear, Alison didn’t know, but it had always been easy to talk to her father. His hugs had been good medicine throughout her childhood, and even now, she feels the soothing power of his embrace washing over her.

“Love you, Noodle,” he murmurs softly, and she smiles against his shirt. “No matter what, okay?”

Alison nods, and her father presses a kiss to her forehead.

Blake is grinning at her from the corner, and she goes over to him; brushing a kiss over Abigail’s head, her brother in law wraps an arm around her shoulders, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

“Welcome to the club, kid,” he murmurs, and Alison looks up, eyes wide; he nods, and she can’t help beaming, leaning into him a little. She strokes her fingers over her niece’s socked foot, lips quirking up into a smile.

“I’m gonna be the coolest gay aunt ever,” she whispers, drawing a chuckle from Blake, who squeezes her shoulders again.

It feels like she can finally _breathe,_ standing here with her family and fully herself for the first time. Like some part of her she’s hidden away is finally blossoming; flourishing around her feet- blooming and stretching towards the sun. Eager to grow; eager to thrive.

Stevie’s fingers weave through hers, and Alison squeezes hard; her sister squeezes back, and there’s something in her face that’s so awe-filled it takes Alison’s breath away.

“You are the bravest person I know,” Stevie says, and there’s not a single note of teasing in her voice- just sheer and pure admiration, tugging at Alison’s heartstrings. “I love you, Alison. So much.”

Alison just molds herself into Stevie’s side, burrowing into a hug and holding onto her. Her big sister holds her tightly, and Alison lets her eyes slip shut.

Outside this bubble of family and love, she knew it wouldn’t be easy. That the rest of her life would be riddled with judgement and hatred and distaste; that there would be people who weren’t accepting of her. And she wasn’t naïve enough to know that it wouldn’t come up during her mother’s campaign; wasn’t ignorant enough to believe it wouldn’t be used against her.

But for now, Alison McCord lets herself feel buoyant. Allows herself this moment to feel happy and herself and- pardon the pun- _gay_.


End file.
